god i hate it...why cant people just not talk about me

i said:
"oh i talk to him all the time"

to which this girl went:
"OMG YOU DO?!!? KAWASAKI (the other girl) WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME!??! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"

and then she went on 'defending' herself...

i felt like they'd been talking about me for the whole time and spreadign shit about me

T_T

well we were in french and we had to do an exercise and then it was like correcting sentences and then the sentence in the book was wrong because it said:

"you must not accept friends for who they are and not judge them"

so then the rest of the class corrected it to:

"you must accept friends for who they are and not judge them"

but i was asking if i could say:

"you don't need to accept friends for who they are and not judge them"

and i wanted to say it because i know it's happened to me in the past, and that's my view: that you dont have to accept friends, you just tolerate them and also because i wanted to know how to say it grammatically.

so then the class thought i was being odd and was like "but you have to accept them..." blah blah blah so i defended myself and then smartarse Maame just blurts out:

"pfft you're not a good friend"

to which the whole class was like:

"OMG!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOAA!!"

so i didnt have a comeback and just sat there astounded at the sheer bitchiness of that comment and i nearly started crying to be honest

and it really hurt me deep down and i felt so low and like i wasn't worth anything and she just infuriates me to an unknown extent so i got really sad because of that.

mum took my sniffies and washed them

it's not funny i just cant help but cry

i feel so violated and hurt...i want them back

today was pretty bad, i decided with cathy last night that i would be more honest and open about my feelings so i didnt really do much, and i failed when someone asked if i was ok.

but basically, my french teacher lost my essay so i had to print it out again which made me just want to growl at her
and then i put it on her shelf and she's marked it by today but then she's like "Bethany, can i just speak with you after the lesson?" so i'm like yeah whatever and then afterwards she's just like

"well it has the makings to be a really good essay but i dont understand it" and now looking back on it i overreacted but the fact is that i didn't want to do the stinking essay so then when i do it, and i try to put down what i feel at not generic crap and i look up things in the dictionary and conjugate verbs correctly and then she's like "i dont understand it"

and to make it worse, she just goes "but you're really good at french!! i just dont understand it" so then she proceeds to just waffle and ask me truly pointless questions about it, and what this means and what i wanted it to say.

and i just felt truly like shit...i have no idea why but then she was like "would you mind doing it again" and i just wanted to shout at her that "right, that's fine but i'll do a completely different one, because i spent an age on that and then you dont even have the audacity to just try to understand and see where my mind has been taking me"

and then i basically just shrugged, took it and then went to the common room. Kuki was smiling at me and i couldn't just get any emotion on my face and then serena's like "YAY LETS GO TO LUNCH TOGETHER!!!" and i saw Kuki not wanting to go and i felt really sympathetic toward her and she saw i was sad.

she really makes me happy for that point

and then serena tells her in chinese that she can get a sandwich and run back up. so i still just had a passive look on my face and she looked once back at me before going to get a sandwich.

but i was so pissed off and i needed to cry and i went up to the computer rooms to get a bit of silence and to somehow rebel against the stupid teacher by doing it then and there (i think ti was because if i didn it quickly, i didnt have to put any effort into it...i really just was like "you cant show respect for the things you do so therefore i wont either" i know it's childish but i didnt care at that moment)

and then i went upstairs and i see Kuki coming in at like twenty past and she's upset that i left the common room and she got really worried about me. but i had been crying previously and listening to sad music purposely because i just felt so angry and let down by the teacher. and then Kuki tries to cheer me up but i kind of have a go at her in my sad defensive mode but she just tries to get me to smile. i didnt.

and then after having ICT a little bit and the end of the day, i tell her i'm sorry and why i was angry and then she felt a little better i think, but i knew she was percevering and i loved that

OHMYACTUALGOD!!

YOU HAVE NO IDEAAAAA 8DDDDD

HIM HAVE A UK TOUR IN MARCH!!! OHMYGOD I AM GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE

I AM SOOOO HAPPY I CANT WAIT TO GO!!!!


OHMYGOD SUCH A GOOD DAY TODAY1!!

well i got a new pair of ugg boots from aus...also i got a girugamesh bag i was waiting for in the post....I HAVE WANTED THAT SUCKER FOR LIKE 4 MONTHS HAHAHA

also yesterday i got a big fluffy cuddly eeyore....dont ask me why, i just wanted it hahahah
and i got one for kuki..for christmas and i got a baby picture of me ^w^

and i had parents evening today and it went fine...teachers were fair etc.

i am ecstatic 8DDDD

well today in school we had our first curriculum enrichment program session...which was awesome!!
i loved it so much!! 

i did jujitsu!!
which is a japanese martial art and means "the gentle art"
its actually sooooooo good!!!
i mean its pretty tough and all we did today was figure out how to get out of something if someone grabs hold of you, but when i press my wrists they kill!!!
haha

and yeh it was awesome!!

and tomorrow i have chinese!!! I SO HAPPPPYYYY!!! 8DDDD i cant wait!!

kuki's been making sure i can say 'cheese' right XDDD lol i love the word for cheese
if you say 'tsisie' then with a questioning tone on the 'sie' that's it 8DD
hehehehehe
i love it!!

Well today (it only being a quarter of an hour into today) is Kai's birthday! ^^

Omedetou otanjoubi Kai-san!!

i bet you cant guess what that means hahaha
it means

Happy Birthday Kai!!

so yah...i'll post a few pictures under a cut as well as my little ramblings :)

( here we go )

erm...i have swine flu >.<

kinda sucks...i have aches and pains and also....i haaaaaaave a really raw throat and achy in general 

i'm really really ill..i just feel so in pain...and plus i'm hungry and i just cant get up i'm hurting so much
dad is playing golf and i really want him to come home, i sent him a text but i'm just hurting so bad and i woke up coughing this morning after 5 hours sleep because i was crying and in pain last night

:'(

well i was at french and then this guy from holland was explaining how to form something and then when he'd finished with this uber long explanation that went in one ear and out the other, the teacher said "right i'm going to explain it again" and i just added as a joke "in english" because i was so tired and frankly, he's an areshole and he should just go and shout his amazingness anywhere but here and then i felt kinda bad and that i had offended him but i just left it.

And then at the break he's like "you know that was a really nasty thing to say because english isnt my first language and that offended me and just dont try to be smart blah blah blah" so then i was all 'oh shit' and i just said back to him "look i didnt mean it, i'm sorry its just that i'm tired and then you come out with that and i'm totally confused, so i'm sorry" but frankly he gets up my arse and he's like got THE loudest voice i have EVER heard and everytime i talk i just rub my ears so i cant hear him and he's totally like laughing at people when they get answers wrong and he just offends me by offending other people and he's like mr cool and 'i can do everything just get out my way' and he shouldn't be in our group and he's totally arrogant! i can see that he wants to get the answer right and everything but he doesnt give ANYONE a chance!!

so there's my rant and frankly i hope hte arsehole IS offended because he just talks shit the whole time.

me and mum talked and i'm just so sad and depressed and i need to sleep, so i'll be going soon, i just want to chill
so tired

and i really want to give up 

i'm so exhausted, sitting in french and i am beyond:
1. caring
2. trying
3. thinking
4. anything

and i just want to sleep and curl up in a ball, i must have cried about 5 times now

i'm seriosuly just dead, i gave up a while ago, i've already cried twice...i just cant do it

i'm just so exhaused and i cant do anything, i've just given up...fuck the rest of the day 

i'm so drained i just cant explain, i'm doing terrible this week.

i thought going to the teachers and getting help would be good..but i'm so empty

matkashi aka reiyayel or raecookie
well fuck me...she's back...i knew that she wouldn't have just gone but she's back
to be honest, i've added her but i'm not commenting, she can go and just screw herself

she's hurt me much more than anyone knows and frankly, she has to get over herself and make amends

also...Stephen Gately's died...wow...

ALSO! I GOT KUKI'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT 8DDD
it's so cute, her name's Bear...sorry i didnt tell you, i got her a teddy bear and called it bear and i'm going to make a little tag for it saying 'From Bear, to Koala'

erm...well i'm doing homework and i dont want to do it, but it's going ok =/

now i'm crying, i feel so sad...she's forgiven me

but i feel so terrible 

well i fucked up...again
i said something in spanish thinking that they wouldnt translate and i meant nothing of it
it was about girlfriends and loving them

and then they took it seriously, i didnt read over it
so i messed up 

ookiii well

we were sitting at lunch in the common room, me eleanor and kuki and then kuki was trying to find like ticklish spots on me

but you know the tickling where its like just gently touching the point and its really sensitive?
well yeh
basically

kuki was touching the inside of my knee, my neck and my side and eleanor suddenly perks up with

"are you a lesbian?"
and i was like

OHMYGOD YOU UTTER BITCH!!
WHAT THE FLYING EFF?!?

and then kuki...didnt understand obv...she just wouldnt
so then I!! had to fucking interpret!
and then she's like "NONO!! I'M NOT!"
and she later explain on msn last night

that in HK they are a lot more touchy feel and that being a lesbian in her school wasnt unusual so they dont think anything of it...so she was surprised when i told her that over here being a lesbian is still taboo..never mind how usual it is

so yah i dont care that she isnt...i still like her as a friend :)

well i know i havent done one of these for a while...but i've been quite busy with homework and talking to kuki :)

well..thats the thing
...for me it's embarassing to say, but i dont know whether i LIKE kuki
i really dont know...i mean i just want her to be safe, but she was ill today and i felt sad when i was on my own

and i dont know

also i have been getting to know this girl who i previously avoided called Jess...she's really nice and we think that same things and love to have a bitch whenever someone get's on our nerves

and she's been helping me out a bit
and today she came and sat next to me just to talk and then eleanor was like "who's this?" and really accusatory and i felt like "jesus just shut up" and basically eleanor has been going to me all day "are you ok?" "are you sure?" "do you want to come and sit with us?" "wow i like your cardigan" and no its not just compliments...she's really insecure and i know she's scared that i will like convert into jess's group...its so funny! because she's being so unnaturally fake flattering

but yes i have been doing ok..just confusion to whether i like kuki...but she's a really good friend so far
ermm..i think that's it

yeh, this week hasnt been so bad....but i mean i've had a few little spats...not a lot
today i was getting sad over grammar...i think i am just weird haha

well in french i never learned the verbs avoir and être ok? so then in french we had to sorta do that today and when i couldn't do it and the teacher was like "well you need to learn them" i felt so sad because everyone knew them and i had been left out type of thing when i was younger

it links back with i've missed out on my childhood, and because of that unhappy time at culcheth it links to that when i didnt learn the grammar back at that school and then i just dont like to remember it, so i was sad today but then i stopped myself and tried to think of happy things...the first that came to mind was one of my good friends Lysa or froggy_skyttles  and i felt happy for a little and just thought of reading and then of aoi and reita and i just felt a bit better though i know if i was sad and i let myself be, i would have cried...which is stupid because it appears i'm crying over grammar >.>

erm...

so i kinda stopped that
also my friend...lysa (up there *points up*), she has a paper or something due tomorrow and therefore wont be online to talk to....so this night (being my only free night) means i'm quite sad and i think i will be quite low for the night i cant get myself happy...i'm sorry Cathy, i cant get myself happy....its one of those days

and i miss her loads...and she's the only person i talk to on a daily basis...tomorrow i have french class

i think i'm about to cry now, i'm so sad i wont be able to talk to her
not even kame and jin can make me happy...or yuu and aki-chan...so sad i sad, i think i might watch a concert or two ...or three tonight...so sad